>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- chris pine -- bert kreischer -- and music from andra day. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!

>> jimmy: thank you, thank you. hi, everyone. thank you. well, very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i am the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for joining us. welcome to hollywood. this is it. this is hollywood. isn't it disappointing? [ laughter ] all the action is happening in new york right now. where the stormy daniels roast of donald trump's penis continues for another day. [ laughter ] once again, trump's lawyers asked for a mistrial. once again, the judge said no. trump fell asleep again, multiple times. [ laughter ] look at this. "trump has now had his eyes closed for several minutes, with his chin jutting out." [ laughter ] he fell asleep while stormy daniels testified about sleeping with him. [ laughter ] team trump spent much of the day

trying to paint daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, i can see why they hit it off. [ laughter ] and it was quite a day to be a stenographer. these are actual phrases that were used in court today. "human toilet." "orange turd." and "make america horny again." [ laughter ] print those out and hang them on the smithsonian wall. [ laughter ] there are no video cameras allowed in the courtroom. and today, the judge put the kibosh on photography too. so we have to rely on the sketch artist, who has done an incredible job. first of all, she whipped this out. [ laughter ] put a bikini on the laptop. and i'd also like to commend her for drawing two people, including a picture of those two people. [ laughter ] you should get paid twice for that, right? trump's lawyers are still going with this "he didn't have sex with her" fairytale. this is a guy who's been sued

hundreds of times for not paying plumbers, for stiffing dishwashers, waiters, painters, bartenders, even his own lawyers. we're supposed to believe he's handing a $130,000 check to a porn star for no reason? [ laughter ] it's funny that while trump's lawyers are throwing their backs out trying to convince the jury that stormy made the whole sex thing up, ted cruz is on fox defending trump by saying the opposite. >> there is no person on planet earth that believes donald trump has been celibate all his life. that is not news. >> jimmy: thanks, ted. that's going to make mother's day with melania a lot of fun this year. [ laughter and applause ] earlier this week, the judge warned trump that if he violates the gag order again, which would be the 11th violation, he could get jail time. and while in some ways, trump would love to go to jail and become the farter martyr -- [ laughter ] nobody wants to go to jail. he would be held in a standard 9 x 13 cell, 143 square feet. which trump describes as 5,000 square feet with a

balcony. [ laughter ] and new york mayor eric adams said rikers island is ready for trump now if he is imprisoned for contempt. what does that mean? the ketchup bottles are bolted to the tables? [ laughter ] what do they mean by the island is ready? it sounds like they're preparing to imprison king kong. [ laughter ] trump might actually feel at home in rikers. their prison jumpsuits are white with reddish-orange stripes. [ laughter ] not unlike his favorite restaurateur. [ cheers and applause ] he'll be making toilet mcflurries in no time. the election is now 179 days away, and president biden told cnn he does not believe trump will accept the results of that election. where would he get an idea like that? [ laughter ] it's not just biden saying this. "the washington post" ran a big story about the fact that many top republicans are refusing to commit to accepting the results of the election. which raises the question, why have an election if you're not

going to accept the results? what's the point? imagine playing nine innings of baseball with a team that said, if you win we're not accepting the score. [ laughter ] would you even pick up a bat? but instead, republicans are openly saying, "heads we win, tails we say we won, and storm the capitol again." [ laughter ] republicans and democrats aren't the only ones at each other's throats. i don't know -- have you been following the ongoing saga of drake and kendrick lamar? [ laughter ] [ cheers ] first it was hall & oates, and now we have this. [ laughter ] drake and kendrick have been going back and forth releasing songs about each other. it's by far the biggest story in music. and i have to say, i am not entirely sure about what they're fighting about. but i really want to know because i like fights. [ laughter ] fortunately, we have an expert on our staff who can help us understand it. i'd like you to please welcome our in-house hip-hop historian, gary greenburg, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hi, gary. >> hi.

so i thought i would explain everything in the form of a rap. band, give me a beat! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, no, no, no beat. ♪ my name is gary hope you like my flow been rhyming since 1984 ♪ >> jimmy: no, the band can't give you a beat. >> you don't want the rap? >> jimmy: no, i don't want the rap. i think it might be bad for both of us. and please take the hat off. [ laughter ] >> okay. i guess i'll do the powerpoint presentation. >> jimmy: yes, do a powerpoint presentation, it will be better. all right, here we go. >> "kendrick vs. drake: where's the beef?" [ laughter ] 2012. drake and kendrick are besties. drake even took kendrick on tour with him. but in 2013, everything changed. kendrick featured on "control," a diss track where he called out many of the biggest names in rap, including drake. diss means diss as in

"disrespectful" and track -- >>. >> jimmy: we know. we know that. >> kendrick rapped -- "one at a time, i line 'em up and bomb on they mom." >> jimmy: kendrick was going to bomb on drake's mom? >> he certainly was. and drake is canadian. so he doesn't know about that kind of talk. [ laughter ] so he went from this -- to this -- >> jimmy: uh-huh? [ laughter ] >> and that is called a meme, m-e-m-e. according to wikipedia -- >> jimmy: we know meme also, you don't have to do that. >> all right. drizzy, that's drake's nickname, fired back with the language where he rapped, "i don't know why they been lying but your [ bleep ] is not all that inspiring." which was mean-spirited. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. >> and things were quiet for awhile, until 2016. when then president obama was asked who would win in a rap battle. and he said, kendrick. so then drake rapped -- "tell obama that my verses are like the whips he in, they bulletproof." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does that mean,

whips? >> whips is like cars. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, like ghost riding the whip? >> yeah, yeah. bullet-proof is when bullets can't go through. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> okay. so then -- [ applause ] so then a few months ago, it ramped up bigtime. champagne papi rapped -- "how the f you big-steppin' with a size-seven men's on?" meaning that kendrick has tiny itty bitty baby feet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: champagne papi is drake? >> duh! right? [ laughter ] and then kendrick responded with this bomb, he said, "i be at new ho king eatin' fried rice with a dip sauce and a blammy, crodie." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, what does that one mean? >> i have no idea. [ laughter ] then things got crazy. drake rapped that kendrick's an abuser and one of his kids isn't his. kendrick released two tracks back to back, saying drake has a secret daughter and is a pedophile who uses ozempic.

>> jimmy: oh, wow. [ laughter ] >> drake released another track denying everything. then on tuesday, a security guy got shot outside drake's house. but for the past two days, it's been kind of quiet. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have to say -- i followed some of it, but it's still -- the whole thing seems very confusing. >> it is. but let me explain it in a way i think you'd understand. okay. basically, drake is kendrick's matt damon. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh! oh, he hates him because he's terrible? [ laughter ] >> word. word up, mother [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause. >> jimmy: all right, all right, thank you. that's very helpful, i appreciate that. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, gary. gary greenburg, everybody. >> now to for my next presentation -- "oy ye! kanye vs. the jews." [ laughter ] band, hit it! >> jimmy: no, not tonight. please don't hit it. ♪ being jewish ain't

that easy especially when you're dealing with yeezy ♪ ♪ he hittin the jews while makin shoes ♪ ♪ helping it helping it ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you know gary was jewish? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: you did, okay. [ laughter ] sunday's mother's day, did you get your wife anything for mother's day? >> guillermo: yeah, flowers, money, and chocolate. >> jimmy: money? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: what is she, a prostitute? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: no, so she can buy whatever she wants. >> jimmy: i see, i see. what about your mom. >> guillermo: flowers and money. >> jimmy: what about your grandmother? >> guillermo: same thing. >> jimmy: flowers and money. and her grandma? >> guillermo: nothing because she's dead. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just flowers. we have a relatively new tradition for mother's day. we ask celebrities to share some of the texts they get from their mothers. and this year, once again, mom did not disappoint. >> so my parents come and visit me in l.a., they stay with me

for a few days. eventually they get an airbnb. this was the day they transitioned out of my house into the airbnb. do me a favor, i move so quickly in and out of your house, i meant to get a handful of hangers. would you put five or six hangers out on the porch, when dad and i go food shopping later i will pick them up. i or put them on chairs. i put them on a table, not in dirt. sorry to bother you, honey, i just found a whole bunch of hangers in the closet, so you can put those hangers back in the house. so she had the hangers at the airbnb. and i put my hangers back in my house. i don't know if this is interesting. [ laughter ] >> so my mom lives in mexico. and the highways can be dangerous. and here's why. she texted me at 9:22 a.m. "dead black cow on highway this morning." sad face. and i responded, "nooooo!" [ laughter ] we lost a lot of good milk that day.

[ laughter ] >> i found an article online, and it was kind of mean, it was about me. i texted my mom, and her response was [ bleep ] her, big deal. i drove to her house, and now i'm waiting house. [ laughter ] thanks, mom. that's why you don't [ bleep ] with my mom. >> got a cold out of nowhere. and a thunderstorm. so no swimming today. hoping it's allergies. your mother loves you. yeah, no swimming in thunderstorms, mom. happy mother's day. >> be careful on "the view." it's a very politically motivated show. maybe wear your hair up. gives us height and slims our faces. think about it. the outfit you wore on new year's eve was stunning. mama's suggestions. love you. didn't ask her for any of those. >> brett, i've just started watching a documentary called mums make porn. these mums seem to wonderful, and i've only watched 20 minutes, and i have so little knowledge of this porn. i never watch it.

i don't seek it out. i did see "deep throat" way back in 1970-something. i hated it, and i'm still uncomfortable with it, and i realize now why. i love sex, and i love with sex with someone who loves me. this being paid to do things to men, men being aggressive, it makes me feel sick. there's something so out of my control about it, so out of my comfort zone. anyway, just checking in, happy sunday! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. thank you, mrs. goldstein. we have a fun show for you tonight, bert kreischer is here. we've got music from andra day, [ cheers and applause ] and we'll be right back with chris pine. so stick around!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: welcome back. we've got a fun show tonight. a funny man and a frequently topless man. you can see him live here in l.a. on saturday at the kia forum, bert kreischer is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, a grammy award-winning singer and actress from san diego. her album, "cassandra cherith" comes out tomorrow. andra day from the don julio stage. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a talented and popular actor, he's also a co-writer, director and star of the new movie "poolman." >> way to be brave, diane. the tree, jail, june. >> who's june? >> my passion isn't a threat to los angeles. these signs are saying my passion will save los angeles. and june is shining her flashlight on my freedom. i have to take this case. >> no, no. >> yes. >> sweetheart, you are not a detective -- >> david against the mighty goliath. >> david and goliath, that's the title for our documentary. >> yes, the title of our

documentary! >> sit down. >> i've got to move, diane! >> the boy's got to move, let him move. >> jackie, this is not about you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "poolman" opens in theaters tomorrow. please welcome chris pine. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: why did you bring me an altoday? >> i wanted to bring you a couple of things. altoid, so we can be fresh for one another. >> jimmy: okay. i brush my teeth right before the show every time. have you felt otherwise? [ laughter ] >> i just think you could do with some freshness. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> and then also, i was really pleasantly surprised. right before you enter the last thing in here where you come into the thing and you come out here, there's a picture of me.

>> jimmy: that's right. i'll tell you something, i was looking at that picture of you this morning. >> that makes me feel really good. >> jimmy: you know why i was looking at it, back then in that picture, you dressed -- you wore like jeans. you would wear like an oxford shirt. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and lately your dressing has become more and more outlandish. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: why is that? >> too many mushrooms. >> jimmy: is it mushrooms? [ laughter ] we're blaming the mushrooms for this? >> no, i think maybe it's just -- it's a comfort thing. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's l.a. >> jimmy: yeah. >> a different mode of dressing. >> jimmy: you love these unusual outfits? >> i like to have a good time. life is too hard. you kind of want to -- it's going to make you giggle. you put on some funky lemon pants. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah, no. i mean, you pull it off. >> it's pretty simple. >> jimmy: i would be destroyed by my friends if i wore anything even resembling that. >> i think you look great. >> jimmy: thank you, but i'm dressed like my dad.

[ laughter ] this is -- i do want to talk about some of your outfits. because this is your premiere, your "poolman" premiere. basically, this is the character now? >> yeah. so that's -- that's -- >> jimmy: darren? >> yeah, that's darren, but the car is like a 1987 mitsubishi, a very tiny, tiny van. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> that's my personal t-shirt that's also in the film. >> jimmy: this is something you own? >> yeah, "i love l.a." t-shirt. >> jimmy: how long have you had that shirt? >> like 19 years. [ laughter ] i'm from l.a. too, it just shows you my practices. those are my corduroy shorts that were like $5, but i've spent about $150 trying to repair them as they've broken over the years. >> jimmy: oh, they're a favorite pair. >> that is not my movie theater, unfortunately. >> jimmy: then we have a picture you posed for with the guy at langer's deli. [ laughter and cheers ] this is interesting. >> that's norm. >> jimmy: this is how you regularly dress? >> yeah, it's almost summer, you know? [ laughter ]

i don't know. those are my -- you know, like i'm a big fan of tom selleck. as we know, tom selleck liked a short short. >> jimmy: sure, he did, yeah. there's a little boot of hooters waitress going on here, too. [ laughter ] >> me or norman? >> jimmy: norm for sure. >> yeah, that's langer's. a lot of people are from out of town here in the audience, but langer's as world-famous and l.a.-famous delicatessen. >> jimmy: many people say the best pastrami in the whole united states. >> it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: you love it? >> it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: better than new york? [ laughter ] people say, many say it's better than new york. >> i don't want to get into a state versus state -- >> jimmy: i thought you loved l.a. >> i do, i do. i don't want to get -- i ma in katz in new york. >> jimmy: eat wherever you go. that look, you're a bit of an influencer. it's really catching on. i've seen people all over town

wearing -- [ cheers and applause ] >> that's good. that's really good. that's incredible. [ cheers and applause ] just two big boys. thanks, pal. >> guillermo: thank you. >> i really appreciate you. >> guillermo: any time. >> thank you for doing this. >> guillermo: any time. we should go get a pastrami sandwich after. >> would you like to? >> jimmy: altoids and a pastrami sandwich, it would be great. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're just going to stand -- oh. >> jimmy: that's where he was. >> a security man working hard. >> jimmy: that's right, working undercover. >> big boy. >> jimmy: you did a great job with this movie, by the way. >> thanks, man. >> jimmy: the characters are delightful, absolutely delightful, including your character. >> yeah. >> jimmy: danny devito, annette

bening. how much of this besides the outfits are drawn from your own personal life? >> pretty much everything. you know, they say write about what you know. so i wrote about l.a. i included a lot of stuff in there that i like, like restaurants i like. buildings that either are still around or aren't and i wish were still around. a lot of stuff that caroms around in my blaine. brain. so yeah, jack dennisoff is the character that danny devito plays. his wife, diane esplanade, played by annette benning. they run this apartment complex that was a motel, and he plays a "b" movie horror director from the '80s that's waiting for his agent to call him back. and his wife is a thermomeapistt she used to be an actress. she had to make money because jack as never making any money. >> jimmy: this is based all on your own parents? >> yeah, this is based definitely on kind of the world that i grew up in. i mean, diane, who annette

plays, is based on my high school english teacher. and then jack, there's a scene in the film that's a long scene, it doesn't really have anything to do with the plot but i found it funny. [ laughter ] and it's about jack denny explaining the situation with this japanese restaurant that was not cooking him food but just giving him the bits and pieces so he could make it at home. and it's a long, winding story with absolutely no end. and it came from this moment over quarantine where i was sitting with my dad, and my dad is wont to do these kind of very palatial stories, just on and on. he's talking about -- >> jimmy: that's a really nice word to describe them, palatial. >> palatial. >> jimmy: palatial is an excellent way to describe -- my father has palatial stories about his knee surgeries. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: very palatial stories

about the cinderblock wall they've been building in their backyard for the last 11 years. [ laughter ] absolutely palatial. >> absolutely palatial. so that just, you know -- >> jimmy: did your dad recognize that that was one of his palatial stories? >> i'm pretty sure he forgot the story. >> jimmy: your dad has a small part in the movie? >> he does. he plays a lizard. [ laughter ] you'll have to see the film for that to make any sort of sense. >> jimmy: we'll take a break. more when we come back with chris pine. his movie is called "poolman." we'll be right back.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we're back with chris pine. his movie is called "poolman." it opens in theaters tomorrow, which is exciting for you. you wrote it, you directed it, you're in it, you've got all your actors, et cetera. >> all the things. >> jimmy: your dad plays a lizard, as you mentioned. [ laughter ] >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: it's your love letter to l.a. i do want to ask you one thing. it seems to be set -- i was guessing when i started watching -- like in 1982, maybe. then you start talking about the movie "erin brockovich." well, that wasn't 1982. then the cars are -- you know, there's cds and those weren't there. did you just go, i don't care about that? >> yes. i have a smarter answer for that. it works, but italy -- because i think my character, darren, he's like a 43-year-old boy-man. i think the film is basically like an imaginative expression

of his inner world. it's as if he'd created the film. and i think he basically stopped emotionally growing in about 1988. so the thing has -- it's very much for me -- i have a romantic sense of that time, because it's where movies were big and life felt romantic and bigger. so that's part of it. and then also, i don't really think cell phones in movies are romantic and sexy. that kind of thing. >> jimmy: what were you up to when you were 17 years old, living here in l.a.? >> i was smoking pot on mulholland. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really on mulholland, yeah? >> yeah. you? >> jimmy: well, i'm quite a bit older than you. i was working at kroc at that time. i was working in l.a. on the radio. >> at 17? not at 17. >> jimmy: when i was 17. >> no, i remember listening to you. >> jimmy: no, when i was 17? i don't know. throwing rocks over the brick wall in the backyard. [ laughter ] that kind of stuff. drinking hot beers out of the trunk of my einter

buying a 15-pack of stros. me and my friend tommy eating a six-foot sub, just the two of us, to see if we could do it. 17 years old, this is third eye blind era type of thing? >> yeah, 17, sublime. >> jimmy: uh-huh, right. >> nirvana. definitely in that phase. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that was -- hip-hop, a lot of wu-tang, a lot of tribe. but yeah, so i'd say mulholland for pot. i was never really a good pot smoker, but i really wanted to be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> really, really wanted to be. then eurozone versal city walk was a big thing. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> universal city walk had just opened up. that's not universal studios. >> jimmy: it's a mall. >> it's a mall. so there to smoke -- >> jimmy: more pot, yeah. [ laughter ]

>> and then -- i want to see if i cab -- >> jimmy: what else? did you drive around? >> yeah, driving around. >> jimmy: yeah, driving around's always good. >> trying to steal stop signs. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you get one? >> i got one. >> jimmy: how's you get it? >> i don't know, why is that such a big deal? i had a whole thing. i wanted to get a stop sign and put it up in my room. >> jimmy: there's something about that. we didn't have one. i wasn't strong enough to get one. yeah, i could see why you'd want that, i don't know. then signs that have funny street names. >> sure, sure. >> jimmy: whenever i drive by a street like that, oh, somebody's going to steal that sign for sure. [ laughter ] >> i have a pine street thing at my house that i didn't steal but a friend of mine gave to me. >> jimmy: from seattle? >> from seattle? >> jimmy: yeah, that's like a famous street up in seattle. we'll get you one, don't worry. >> thanks, wow, cool. >> jimmy: you went to the see council meeting, your character. did you go to real city council meetings? >> yeah, it's crazy. >> jimmy: it is crazy, right? >> the craziest thing about it is that -- they have -- i may be

wrong about the amount of time. but if someone wants to talk, no matter how crazy or delusional, they have got to let the person speak. >> jimmy: that's right, that's true. >> five minutes or two and a half minutes -- >> jimmy: they have a time limit. >> and they can't stop them. >> jimmy: that's all you get there is crazy people. >> they have a lot of people searching for free iced tea and air conditioning. >> jimmy: yeah, it is one of those things. you think it's cool to run for city council? you realize you're just basically in a mental institution. [ laughter ] from 9:00 in the morning until 4:00 every single day. >> i can't imagine. i can't imagine doing it. >> jimmy: you shot a funny fake commercial to promote the movie. i want to run that up. >> i'm darren berman, owner of poolman and awesome aquatics. i treat your pool like my own because i love what i do. from reading complicated dials and pumps to balancing chemicals. it's your oasis. stay awesome, los angeles!

spring savings starts may 10th. [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, and by the way, so awesome aquatics is the name of darren, the name of my character, the name of his pool company. you can call that number and leave a message if you want. >> jimmy: do people call the number? >> oh, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you answer the phone if they call the number? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't. well, listen. if you want to talk about chlorine or whatever, call that number. [ laughter ] >> i'm here. >> jimmy: you can find it online. chris pine, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] his movie "poolman" opens in theaters tomorrow. thank you, chris. we'll be back with bert kreischer!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: music from andra day is on the way. our next guest is another beautiful bearded man. on saturday night, he takes the stage at the forum in inglewood. please say hello to bert kreischer. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ >> jimmy: hi, bert, how are you? you're having a big week, huh? started it with a roast of tom brady on sunday. >> dude. >> jimmy: you got all this netflix comedy festival stuff going on this week. you end it with -- you end it or go home after the b1g show this weekend? >> it's mother's day. >> jimmy: it's mother's day. oh, yeah. >> i haven't planned anything. >> jimmy: yeah, you better get something together. >> i think about me first. [ laughter ] i think about me as much as humanitarians think about other people. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're a hu-me-itarian. how was that roast, by the way? was that fun for you? >> terrifying. because first of all, it's a big dais. it's a big list. there's a bunch of murderers. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and --

>> jimmy: i know what you mean. >> yeah. and nikki destroyed. >> jimmy: she did, nikki glaser. >> kevin killed. drew [ bleep ] bledsoe killed. >> jimmy: that was a surprise. that would have bothered me if i was there. >> nikki destroys. tom looks at me, "buddy, we're going to need [ bleep ]." schultz is nervous, an hour and a half into the roast, "we're about to eat [ bleep ] bad." two dudes storming the beaches at normandy, "buddy, if we die, we die together." i gave him a kiss, we went up. went real well, it went great. thank god we followed kim kardashian. [ laughter ] that woman's a gangster, okay? they booed her top to bottom, i know they edited it out, it was kind of stupid. you know what else they edited out? tom and i are shaking, we did great. sam day is next. "yo, bert, i'm lighting you up."

>> jimmy: gave you a heads-up? >> gave me a heads-up. she did five minutes on me, just destroying me. and one of the things she said -- i know i told you this, i don't know if i'm allowed to tell it. >> jimmy: tell it, tell it, you can tell it, yeah. [ laughter ] >> run-through, i had a nicotine pouch, white nicotine pouchs in a can in my pocket. the director said, you can't put it in your pocket, it's distracting. i put it in a little bag. she started calling me a fake party animal that i don't even do drugs, i'm not even dead like all the good ones, i just have sex with my wife. i went into my pocket and i pulled out my nicotine patches and i wiggle they said. [ laughter ] schultz goes," you got a bag of blow on you?" the camera's on me and the forum goes nuts. like, this dude brought coke! tommy's like, what? the camera goes off me and i start going, hehh! tom goes in the bathroom, "you're about to go viral,

everybody's going to think you're a cokehead." they edited it out, thank god. i didn't want to have to deal with my daughters. no pills forever, then dad's rolling in with a half eight-ball. >> jimmy: not great for the kids. >> no. >> jimmy: you also went viral for a different reason. that recent was when tony hinchcliffe was on from "kill tony." he was talking about you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you were -- like mouthing the teleprompter along with him. [ laughter ] >> he's so bad. look, you can put a monkey in a tux, it it's still a monkey. [ laughter ] and i was -- leann was over to the side going, "stop talking." and i'm like, "i'm not talking." i go back to the prompter. i'd read everyone's jokes to myself. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think we have a clip of that happening. >> bert kreischer is a king. he looks like if the tiger king and the liver king only ate burger king and had a liver that looked like martin luther king

got beat up by rodney king. >> jimmy: you would not be a good ventriloquist. >> bro, that is everything you need to know about me. that is everything every teacher thought about me. that's what think dad thought about me. i can't hide it, man, i'm an idiot. >> jimmy: you did something that seemed like an odd thing to do during comedy week. you guys -- you and tom segura had a 5k. >> yeah. >> jimmy: for your fans, for your listeners to your podcast. [ laughter ] >> we got to a place where no one says no to us anymore. all our bad ideas come to fruition. >> jimmy: whose idea was the 5qk? >> they're all mine. we put it out there, nothing will happen. then jelly role was like, i'm doing bert's 5k. he's the biggest artist in the country. all of a sudden "people" magazine picks it up. yo, we've got to make a 5k. [ laughter ] thank god netflix, the joke

festival. we rented out the rose bowl. it was insane. so i ran it twice. i ran the first heat with the fans. i got hit by a golf cart. [ laughter ] i did, i got hit by -- my assistant was driving. [ laughter ] then i ran the second one with jelly. i put a 50-pound pack on my back. >> jimmy: just to get a little extra cardio going? >> listen, he's the man. if jelly says he's going to do something, i'm going -- i'm the guy that shows up for him. so i lost 50 pounds. so i put that 50 pounds back, walked with him. >> jimmy: ah. >> we had a great time. the best part, jimmy, we planned our 5k maybe a little unwisely, we planned it on a popular jogging path. [ laughter ] so there was about 300 people that didn't know they entered a 5k. [ laughter ] they were just walking. there were these two mexican women pushing their kids in strollers. all of a sudden they're like, "oh, jelly roll!" [ laughter ] as if jelly roll's lost in pasadena. me and him coming back from a coke binge. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it true that you

spoke at harvard? like last month? >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: you did. how did that happen? did they -- of course you've got a long history with college from that you were in college for seven years. >> dude, i'm hot at college. >> jimmy: you're hot at college. >> i party, right? i party. and kids, i just -- >> jimmy: not what i hear. [ laughter ] >> i had this speech that went viral about me never quitting drinking and why i drink. and the boys love it. so, like, i go to university of tennessee, i roll into a flat party at 1:00 in the morning and 2,000 kids get onstage, take my shirt off, a couple of shots in the bus, back on the road, right? i do it a lot. i get a call from harvard. "yo, can you talk to us about marketing?" [ laughter ] i was like, "yeah, i guess. are you sure you know what you're getting?" "no, no, we know." "my shirt's coming off, you know that." i opened my speech up, when i was 22 years old i got involved

inn with the russian mafia, and they're like, what the -- i talked at harvard. it was like them taking a cave man out of ice. "how did you kill the woolly mammoth?" i told them all my marketing ideas. how i operate. they were creating a.i. to think how my brain normally thinks. >> jimmy: what? >> oh, bro. >> jimmy: really? >> they were befuddled by me. "you're a high-functioning alcoholic, running a 5k, launched a vodka -- why do you make these decisions?" "i don't know." took my shirt off. all these baccalaureates getting pictures with me. "you guys want to see something amazing? watch this." put out a tweet or an instagram, "hey, harvard, i'm on campus, hitting up given dell's, see you there." i'm like, "guys, wait till you see what happens." i know what happens. no one showed up. no one showed up. not one. these harvard kids are not right. there's something wrong with them. two lesbians on their first date showed up.

they were on the bar going, "i love you," and i was like, "okay." and i was like, "you guys want to do a shot?" "yeah." "you guys want a picture?" they're like," nah." i felt like o.j. simpson. "we're good, we're good, my parents see this." >> jimmy: well, i'm sure there will be plenty of people on the forum. saturday night, it's in inglewood. bert's specials are all on netflix, your roast of tom brady is on netflix. it's all on netflix. bert kreischer, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, gert. we'll be back with andra day! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico.

>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico. >> jimmy: thanks to chris pine and bert kreischer. apologies to matt damon. "nightline," is next but first her album "cassandra cherith" is out now. here with the song "probably," andra day! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

♪ see i have a couple of birds they tell me that ♪ ♪ you oversell your troubles but you always did have ♪ ♪ trouble with the truth see i have the homies and my kin who look ♪ ♪ out for me and they could see you pullin' me out of ♪ ♪ my character and just when i got myself together ♪ ♪ you're always the good guy i didn't know ♪ ♪ oh and my heart was wide open you could choose ♪ ♪ to be real but no you probably

tell the world that ♪ ♪ i hated you but you know more than anyone that's far from true ♪ ♪ i loved you oh oh probably tell the world i didn't believe in you ♪ ♪ but you know more than anyone i'm solid boo ♪ ♪ i loved you oh oh now usually i'm ♪ ♪ not one to go back and dwell on the past ♪ ♪ but you are one of those special cases so i got to ask ♪ ♪ is it worth maybe settin' the record straight ♪ ♪ and no hard feelings you just loose-lippin' and you know you know ♪ ♪ i'm not comfortable with it 'cause you probably ♪ ♪ tell the world that i hated you but

you know more ♪ ♪ than anyone that's far from true i loved you ♪ ♪ oh oh probably tell the world i didn't ♪ ♪ believe in you but you know more than anyone i'm solid ♪ ♪ boo i loved you oh oh there's beauty ♪ ♪ in startin' all over now i know oh and my heart ♪ ♪ is still wide open i'm good and boo ♪ ♪ with the things i can't control so go on and tell ♪ ♪ the world that i hated hated you you know more ♪ ♪ than anyone that's so far from true ♪ ♪ i loved you oh ohh you probably tell the world that ♪ ♪ i hated you you you and that's so ♪ ♪ far from true i loved you oh probably tell them all i ♪

♪ loved you that i was always good to you ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ ♪ hmm hmm hmm ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ ♪ i ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is "nightline." >> byron: tonight, rikki lake's act two. >> i can do that dance! >> byron: the teen star of "hairspray"